Saturday, February 17, 2007

The Brain Eaters' Greatest Hits Part 2

Some time ago I posted the first article of this two part series, promising that it wouldn't take me a year and a half to finish it like the last series I wrote did. I have kept that promise, taking merely a fleeting nine months to get around to writing this second, concluding post. Refresh your memories by rereading the first post and then continue on to see what other sad victims of the brain eater continue to shuffle around issuing shitty new albums or novels from the empty shells of their former artistry.

4. Audioslave

Rage Against the Machine and Soundgarden were two of the best popular bands of the early 90s, and everyone was disappointed to see them break up. A few years ago when Chris Cornell (Soundgarden singer) joined with Rage (minus their vocalist Zach) to form Audioslave, it seemed like a brilliant proposition. Unfortunately their first album, while passable, was nowhere near as good as anything produced by the original bands. There was still hope that they could improve, but that was confounded when their second and third releases turned out to be truly appalling four-and-a-half-minute-pop-rock-song middle of the road boredomfests. The Brain Eater must have been truly sated after reducing guitarist Tom Morello from his former brilliance to a four chord strumming zombie, barely capable of stuttering out a half way decent solo.

3. Shihad

They were the biggest rock band in New Zealand for much of the 90s, and for once the popularity was deserved. The Fish Album, Killjoy and The General Electric are packed with classic songs, and I have many fond memories of seeing them perform live touring for The General Electric (and it's preceding EP Blue Light Disco). However the subsequent album saw them trying to remake themselves for an international (i.e. American) audience as Pacifier and releasing a horrifically bland 'nu-metal for pussies' album, a career move that could only have been made by a band left with barely enough neurons to feed themselves following a sudden and vicious attack by the brain eater. They tried to redeem themselves with their most recent album Love is the New Hate and the attempt was appreciated, but they just don't have the spark anymore.

2. Robin Hobb

Robin Hobb's Assassin series is one of the finest fantasy trilogies I've ever read. All three books are very good but the last one is truly fantastic, with one of the most emotionally moving endings I've ever read. She went on to write a sequel trilogy (only loosely connected to the first), The Liveship Traders, which was OK, but nowhere near the standards of the preceding books. Then, in one of the Brain Eater's most unholy crimes yet, she returned to the characters and setting of the first trilogy and RETROACTIVELY RUINED THEM FOREVER!!!! If you ever read and enjoyed Assassin's Quest then never ever read Fool's Fate. At the time I wondered what would possess someone to take an incredibly moving and sad story and render it all meaningless by reversing literally everything that happened and turning it into a lame happy ever after ending. I now know the terrifying truth. It was the Brain Eater!

1. Bob

Man, Bob used to be so awesome you know? But now that he's popular it's like he doesn't care about his original fans any more. But that's cool, I can still enjoy his older work without letting it be ruined by thinking about all the crap he's done lately.

5 comments:

Andrew Brown said...

ahahahahahaha

Bob said...

My new material breaks new ground. You just have to appreciate the combinations that make up the new Bob. I'm an arteest!

Jon said...

Face it Bob, you no longer have the x-factor that made the old Bob so good. You can throw in all the fancy gimmicks you like to distract the audience from this fact but those of us who were there from the beginning aren't fooled.

Jungle Rhino said...

It's that bloody tie I tell you!

Jon said...

When I first saw the tie I had hopes that it might indicate a return to the Bob of old, but I was sadly disappointed.

Also. Crappy fucking recent comments widget seems stuck in a time warp. And I'm not sure where to go to give it a kick to see if it'll start working again.