Thursday, November 24, 2005

Metal Cop Outrage

So as reported on such respectable news sources as, and Jeremy's blog, the vocalist of Auckland death metal band Dawn of Azazel has a day job as a cop.

The news has upset some people. “This guy's supposed to be a role model,” says Greygor Skullgrin, a spokesperson for the New Zealand metal community, “He's supposed to be telling kids to worship Satan and eradicate the weak, what kind of message does it send when he's associated with an unsavory operation like the Police Force?”

The revelation seems to have already made an effect on the young metalheads who will form the metal scene of tomorrow. In a random poll of bored teenagers hanging around in carparks drinking stolen alcohol it was discovered that 'fucking shit up' had dropped to fifth on their list of priorities, down from second last week, while 'respecting your parents and trying hard at school' had risen from position twenty to eleven. 'I dunno... nothing I guess' remained steady at number one. “These results speak for themselves,” responds Skullgrin, “What kind of society are we creating where these kids mindlessly obey authority and aspire to become just another featureless slave-mentality cog in the consumerist christian totalitarian state?”

Police Minister Annette King attempted to allay concerns in a statement issued earlier today. “Despite the police forces reputation as a thuggish tool of the corporate Jew-ocracy, the truth is it actually has many values in common with the metal community,” the statement read, “such as an unsettling link with fascism, an enjoyment of kicking random cunts in the head, and generally acting like a big bunch of macho cocksuckers.”

This is the worst scandal to affect the New Zealand metal community since June 2004, when Darkmore Putrid, drummer of Black Symphonic Metalcore band Defilement of Innocence admitted to owning an Evanescence album.

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